This article is not a substitute for medical care.The author is not a medical doctor or psychologist.This is spiritual perspective and insight only. Persons with mental or physical health problems should seek medical help. Thoughts of suicide or self-harm are a medical emergency. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): 1-800-273-8255
Spirituality studies pneuma, eternal spirit in our bodies (hyle) expressing through the mind/emotion complex of the soul (psyche). Much of what emerges or is perceived in the physical body begins in the light bodies – and before that, in our thoughts, feelings, and objects of attention. This includes genetic downloads (inheritance) and ideas we form about ourselves in childhood via behavior of our parents, teachers, and peers.
I’ve seen sad scenarios in my work among women blending spiritual, emotional, and physical pain into life-altering distress. The common ground is romantic and sexual loneliness as a touchpoint for fears of inadequacy. Here are two examples with the names changed.
Emmeline: Lonely and raised with strict religious morality, she was awkward socially and didn’t know how to deal with sexuality. Frustration and insecurity led to emotional hypersensitivity and jealousy, scrutinizing and criticizing behavior of other women.
There was a nameless desire to correct something, relieve pain, and “become healthy.” She turned her criticism on herself. “What’s wrong with me?” Every physical ache and ailment was magnified under her unforgiving lens. So began a round of testing, medications, therapies, surgeries, impressive lists of diagnoses, and self-identification with dis-ease.
Unfortunately, none of this made her happier or more complete. The dis-ease remained like a thorn in her side. She was lonely, sexually unfulfilled, and uncomfortable with her womanhood. Displays or cultivation of feminine beauty by other women were disdained. Terror was built around the sex act and men were regarded as alternately desirable and disgusting, heroic and terrifying.
Ultimately, the “cure” came in the form of a partner. She found courage to search for a romantic companion within the structure of her religion and moral compass. Meeting a kind man and beginning her first healthy adult relationship resulted in a mysterious disappearance or easing of her physical complaints. Plans for another elective surgery were dropped. She became softer and more forgiving, happier, and a better friend to other women.
Emmeline learned there was nothing “wrong with her.” She was acceptable, loveable, and good. It was only seeing herself through the eyes of her husband that cut through the layers of fear, guilt, envy, confusion, and loneliness. So why was her own vision so distorted?
Jolene: Jolene believed she was unloveable and undesirable to men. As a child, being hurt sometimes brought out compassion in others, a relief from indifference or bullying. This resulted in her making up stories of sadness and even engaging in self-injuring behavior to evoke pity. She thought vulnerability was a ticket to acceptance.
Low self-esteem manifested an adult life of loneliness. Despite a few friends, Jolene felt unworthy. She desired romance and sexual attention but didn’t know how to obtain them. She feared they were inaccessible due to her nameless flaw. Comparing herself to other women was painful. Life was an effort to copy physical and personality traits of women she viewed as romantically successful.
Spiritual conflict energized by emotional pain led to physical ailments. There was even an unspoken desire to be weak or sick for the pity and attention it brought. Lots of doctor visits, diagnostic testing, and even a spate of elective surgeries did nothing to ease the root causes of discontent.
Jolene was trying to be a modern single woman, independent and savvy. Her dating life was disappointing. She wanted to be proud of her single status, but she longed for a partner and was embarrassed by her perceived inability to attract the right one.
She eventually met the right man and got married. The list of largely invented medical problems was forgotten. The scales had dropped from her eyes. She wondered how much she could have accomplished sooner if she’d only known she was really “okay,” and what suffering could have been avoided.
These are only two stories; there are many variants of them. There are the clients under thirty who’ve already experienced multiple divorces; women whose unfulfilling sex lives drive crippling sadness; and those who feel so overwhelmed they effectively opt out of healthy adulthood and its demands for self-determination, decision-making, and questing for sexual and emotional fulfillment.
The number one question for mediums and card readers is a version of: When/how/where will I meet my partner, Is he/she my soul mate, Should I marry him/her, Does he/she really love me? I see too many young women who feel worthless on their own, mature women desperate to halt aging to keep attracting partners, and women who loosen their standards in an urgent scramble to pair up.
We can make the following spiritual conclusions from these painful experiences:
- Western girls grow up unequipped to deal with spiritual questions and processes. There is no grounding in concepts of the higher self, Law of Attraction, layers of manifestation, or intrinsic sacredness and worth.
- Authenticity and diversity are lost in the herd mentality as young women create their personas.
- We are conditioned to look for physical problems as the causes of all discomfort. Doctors are trained to find fault with physical variation and look for illnesses and defects to cure, and this creates buy-in to a patient’s low self-esteem.
- Despite our greater personal, professional, and sexual freedom, women still have big issues with love, romance, sexuality, and femininity.
- If we give our relationship status ultimate importance, everything (including our health) revolves around it. We outsource our wellbeing, life purpose, and self-concept to a mythical idea of being a sexual partner.
- The modern age for women is still emerging. After centuries of being owned by our husbands or fathers, we haven’t even had the right to vote for 100 years! We can be patient with ourselves as long as we keep moving the process forward.
How we answer this dilemma is multifold. Positive parenting and anti-bullying efforts are part of the solution. We need to do more to combat ageism, body shaming, and the hypersexualization of women in popular culture. Lesbian and bisexual women need the same rights and dignity as heterosexual women to define themselves, express love, and be fully accepted as women.
Some basic spiritual truths to teach girls and young women:
- You are divinely made of sacred spiritual substance. You are perfect and unassailable as you are. Stop waiting for someone else to tell you you’re good enough! Don’t postpone joy and success by only acknowledging your worth when a lover confirms it!
- Law of Attraction Basics – we magnetically attract what matches our resonance. If we feel badly about ourselves, we attract people and conditions which reinforce that belief. When we love and accept ourselves, we draw connections and circumstances which bolster our concept of lovability. Love yourself first, focus on bringing love to interactions and challenges, and this brings more love into your life.
- You came to Earth to experience life in all its myriad facets, so enjoy the ride! Stop worrying, obsessing, and criticizing as you will only attract more sources of distress.
- Diversity is one of humanity’s greatest strengths – so be yourself. Find out what makes you look and feel beautiful in your own eyes. Vigorous womanhood can look any way you want it to and can encompass whatever elevates your life and allows you to live your unique spiritual purpose.
- Humans are sexual beings, and your female sexuality belongs to you and is yours to explore and experience for your pleasure, personal growth, relational sharing, creating children, spiritual enlightenment, and/or understanding of your own humanity. Safety, responsibility, and respectfulness are hallmarks of healthy sexual expression.
- Be honest about what you want so you can obtain it – whether that’s sex, companionship, a committed relationship, or something else.
- Listen to your body to understand where and why you are hurting. Your body is a sacred vessel and a tool. How are you using it, what are you getting from it, and how can you express through it more authentically, productively, and enjoyably?
- Let’s reenergize our sacred bond with our sister women. We should be in this journey together with compassion, empathy, sharing, and support. “Women at each other’s throats competing for male approval” is a controlling patriarchal device we now have power to abolish.
- Good things happen when we live life well! Narrowing your focus to nothing but searching for or pleasing a partner cuts out too much. You have to live for yourself before you can attract a compatible partner to join your journey.
Spiritual healing modalities like Reiki, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Quantum Healing Hypnotherapy (QHHT), channeled readings, Angel Therapy, and guided meditation can be helpful.
The following is a card reading from the Love Your Inner Goddess oracle cards by Alana Fairchild. The question was, “How can women heal their issues surrounding love and romance?”
Relax and trust the process! It’s okay to feel confused at times, but guard against succumbing to fear. There is no need to force things to happen or feel hurried. Like a wise serpent shedding her skin, you are called to release whatever is no longer authentic or doesn’t serve your highest good. You are not the same person you were ten or even five years ago. Acknowledge your growth and movement.
Your safety and wellbeing are up to you. Love is rooted in respect, and loving yourself is essential to exercising personal authority and commanding respect. Never settle for less than you deserve. People who mistreat, use, or manipulate you do not love you. Don’t worry that standing up for yourself is not loving or compassionate. You owe yourself a first duty of care. There’s no selfishness in protecting your interests and demanding honor and respect.
Past ways of thinking and being in regard to romantic love are passing away. A new paradigm is emerging which focuses on personal sovereignty, respect and tolerance, room to grow, kindness, true partnership, and compassionate responsibility.
This new way is getting underneath superficial appearances to the core of who we really are. This is in common with the serpent shedding an old skin or a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. The naked truth is emerging, demanding relationships that are rooted in honesty and transparency.
Being vigorously and joyfully yourself is key; trying to copy or imitate others, putting on a people-pleasing performance, or denying your truth runs completely counter to the new energy surrounding relationships. You need an open and loving relationship with yourself before you can form meaningful bonds with others.
Elizabeth S. Eiler, Ph.D. has written and channeled extensively about women’s issues in her new book Singing Woman: Voices of the Sacred Feminine
She performs card readings, Reiki, and other spiritual practices for clients in her private practice. Seven Stars Healing Arts