Life, a living, breathing reflection of Who I Am…
It’s true. I’m sold. Life reflects back to me what I put out. I have aligned with my Soul purpose and I am being Filled and Fulfilled left and right. I’m talking Synchronicities galore!
And so, I’ve developed a Gratitude Attitude…or, rather, my Gratitude Attitude is developing me…birthing me…creating and allowing the space for my Self, my Gifts to shine through…
This happened when I leapt! Yep, finally, once and for All, I jumped off the cliff. After years and years of sitting on the edge of that same cliff, thinking to myself, “Gee, wouldn’t it be fun to jump?”…I just hopped right off…over the edge…took the plunge…
I remember it well. For two years, I was paralyzed by fear, a fear that coursed through my veins 24/7, it seemed. Prior to that, I was on a hamster wheel, running in circles and getting nowhere…attempting to live spirituality from the outside in, rather than the inside out. Here’s what I mean. I did yoga, ate organic food, recycled, sent my kids to a Montessori school, became a district leader for the U.S. Department of Peace campaign and read all the right books-the ones that topped bestseller lists, the ones that every person “on the path” had on their “spiritual” bookshelves. I had nirvana “in the bag”, so I thought.
Looking back, it was such a whirlwind of denial. I kept myself extremely busy so as to avoid the “next step” that was in my face, the one that rented a space in the middle of my living room but that I somehow still managed to ignore.
One day, out of nowhere, It chose me. Yes, It chose me in the form of a revelation that knocked the wind out of me, pulled the rug out from under my feet and splashed iced cold water in my face. It was time to face the music and I did not like the song.
But the song played on and, soon enough, it became clear that it would continue to play, with or without me. I may as well get used to it, accept it already…maybe even sing along.
When the “bomb” hit, I prayed a prayer of heartfelt surrender. Soon thereafter, I experienced being guided to leave the house in which I was living with my partner and our two children. This plunged me into a void so deep that I was sure there was no way out. Still, something in me knew, even then, that I would not get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel until I became willing to take steps (both inner and outer) toward it. I resisted this for a long time, even as I experienced “death” all around me.
It came to a point where I knew I had to align with what was occurring. I was too tired from what I came to call “attempting to hold back the ocean.” So, I allowed the wave to carry me instead…and I moved in next door.
Yep, that was the leap…15 feet away. It was like jumping off what you think is a really high cliff, only to find that there’s a landing just below you. And you’re all stunned and like “Oh, well okay then…that wasn’t so bad”.
It was challenging for sure and, in some ways, it felt like I was worlds away, but I was worlds away anyway, so what did I have to lose? Anyway, the choice felt Alive, and I had to do something. I recall the conversation with my partner, just before I moved, where we agreed that we could no longer hold each other prisoner. Love Frees. Too, I’ve come to realize, when we are true to ourselves, we experience intimacy with our Loved Ones, even if we are physically separated. Said another way, when we come Home to ourselves, we come Home to everybody.
I remember one time, in the abyss, where I stood in front of my washing machine and begged, I mean begged God, the Angels, whoever was listening to “change their minds.” “Please, God, I’ll do anything, but not This.” I wanted to die rather than make a choice, a conscious choice that would affect everyone I loved in such a big way.
Over time, though, it became clear to me that I was CHOOSING with Big Love, that Big Love was actually doing the CHOOSING and that Big Love would support me, my children and their father as we moved through This.
The move was certainly not the end of the story, only the beginning. Not long after, I decided that I could not stay at my job a second longer. I thought I was staying for at least a few more months, long enough to save money and attend an event hosted by Neale Donald Walsch, something he was calling “The Homecoming”, something which I had my heart and soul set on attending. I couldn’t bring myself to stay, though, even for this reason. In fact, it became, “Do I stay at a job I know isn’t for me just so I can afford to go to a gathering and discuss things like ‘leaving jobs that aren’t a match for us’ OR do I actually leave the job that’s not a match for me and get on with my life?!!!” During a training teleconference at my job, I sat there thinking, “I would rather have all of my teeth pulled than go through this training.” Directly after the teleconference, I walked into my supervisor’s office and gave my one month notice.
I swear to you, I floated home! I was FREE!
More than that, I was applying these principles to my living, breathing life, rather than simply reading about them, writing about them, speaking about them or attending events where they’re discussed. It became so apparent to me that Life REALLY wanted to live me. The Sword of Truth made Itself known and fiercely, yet lovingly, pierced my heart. Anything that was not reflective of the Essence of Who I Was began to fall away.
So, within what seemed like a split second, I was on my own and out of a job. What to do? “Clean houses,” my inner voice said. “Clean houses?” I replied. “You had better have something a little more enticing lined up for me than that, after all the hell I went through just to get to this point!” “Clean houses.” said my inner voice.
But, clean houses I did.
And my clients practically fell from the sky into my lap.
This went on for a period of time but, that’s not “all she wrote” either…
One door opens, then another…and it continues to this day…I mean that literally as well as figuratively as I have moved four more times since the initial move…too, guess who’s recently stopped cleaning houses so as to dedicate time to her poetry and writing…yes…yours truly…
Truth be told, at each “choice point”, I’m not sure whether or not I actually summon the courage to jump OR if somebody, namely my Higher Self, finally picks me up and tosses me over the edge. I think She gets sick of hearing me ponder aloud how wonderful my Life might be if I finally leap. Seriously, more than once, She’s given me a kick, albeit a “tough Love” kinda boot, and I Am Eternally Grateful TO Her for it!
There is something to be said for a change of pace, a change of scenery, shaking things up a little (or a lot…why not?)…Um…hmmm…stagnation has been laid to rest…I had a funeral for Staleness and Fear…they died on the same day…
And Aliveness has been born!
Now, I won’t tell you there aren’t some days where I don’t think to myself, “What in the world am I doing…freefalling from the sky…without any certainty of whether or not a net lies below?” Still, I quickly come to remember how dead I felt on the edge of that cliff and I realize, even splattering to the ground sounds better. At the very least, it makes for a more interesting story.
How to do this? In your own life? Okay, let me think about that one. Well, here it is…let’s give it a go:
Steps to Aliveness:
1. Realize you’re dead.
2. Pray to walk out of the tomb Alive.
3. Actually get up and walk, even if you don’t receive a sign from the Heavens.
4. Trust that you are supported, by earthly and heavenly Beings alike.
5. Keep walking even when somebody (including you) says, “This can’t be happening.”
6. Notice and express Gratitude for moments of Effortlessness and seeming Miracles.
7. Accept the fact that there’s no turning back.
8. Make this your motto: “Ain’t no stoppin’ us now”!!! (and giggle silently to yourself and/or aloud to your invisible partner, God, at how blessed you are to be sharing this Journey together).
Does this seem too simple to be true? Good. Simple is Good.
Open the door. Walk through It. Take a step toward It even. And Life will get behind You. Life can’t do much with your half-assed yes. I mean, true…there’s that whole mustard seed thing, but Life knows when you’re willing. One step IS the mustard seed. Sitting on your butt, paralyzed with fear and what-if’s keeps you stuck, stuck, stuck! Did I mention “stuck”?
Trust me. I know. As I’ve shared with you already…Been there. Done that.
“Just Do It”, as they say.
I won’t suggest that there isn’t some juice in the muck…there is…I mean, a cocoon does have its place. Still, I do believe it’s possible to overstay our welcome in “it’ll happen when the time is right” mode…
And, FYI…butterflies~they fly!!!
Nothing is ever lost, but when we realize the pain of holding on is far more intense than what we suspect the pain of letting go will be, we “just do it”.
As for me…
Since I took the first step, Life won’t stop. It’s as if It keeps firing them at me, the steps, that is…the steps which combine to become the “Stairway to Heaven.” Oh, and BTW, the steps themselves are Heaven, too.
I don’t want to minimize this. As I said, It was like a death. I felt as if I and everyone I knew and loved died. Truly, though, I died and went to Heaven. This was, for me, the true death and Rebirth, the true Crucifixion and Resurrection…
And Everything is more beautiful in the Light. We let go…we fall into the Arms of God…we surrender to the Light…and EVERY THING shines, even the pain. Yes, there was beauty in the Darkness, too…possibly even more beauty in Total Darkness than in the shadows in which I lingered for far too long.
But, the Light…ohhhhh…the Light.
It is worth every ounce of the trepidation we feel as we take the first step. Besides, through the next door is the only way to go when the doors behind us are locked, dead-bolted. I like to call it the “Choiceless Choice”, because, in many ways, that is how I have experienced it. Sometimes, it seems like courage and others, it’s like simply going along with what’s next. It’s either that or kick, scream and put up a fight…and that is the surest definition of Hell I know.
Heaven~Loving What IS in the Eternal Moment of Now
Hell~Arguing with What IS in the Eternal Moment of Now
Where do I wish to spend Eternity?
Heaven, for sure.
“Ask and Ye Shall Receive” has become a given, only in ways beyond which I could have ever imagined, had I kept myself locked behind bars…in big ways, I am provided for…but in small ways, too…
Right now, this moment, I am sitting here at the local library across the street from my apartment in my new little village. A few minutes ago, I posted on Facebook that I am looking for musicians to put music to lyrics for several songs I have written. Shortly after my post, another woman in the library asked, “Would you like to take a break and walk across the street for a soda?” I said, “Sure.” In my mind, I thought briefly, “Oh, I shouldn’t spend the money.” Still, I went, and, the man who waited on me at the counter said, “You look new.” I said I was and introduced myself. My companion shared with him that I am a “budding writer.” He asked about my writing and shared that he is a songwriter/musician. I could not believe my ears! Who knows what will come of this encounter, if anything, but the simple little wink from God was enough for me! I smiled ear to ear as I headed back to the library. I felt like I wanted to skip, but it was too risky in my flip-flops. Too, I’d have done a cartwheel if I didn’t think I would pull a muscle.
Such Joy, such playfulness in This. It doesn’t have to be so serious. Even the stuff that is “serious” doesn’t have to be so serious.
There is only Love. Always and in All Ways, we get to keep Loving no matter what!
Don’t ya just Love ItJ?!!!
And Now, I Dance
Wherever I go,
there’s a space…
Just for Me.
so I can lose myself in The Dance.
The music starts
and my body knows just what to do,
where to go.
I relax my mind,
release my thoughts…
and I Am Free…
to whirl and twirl,
like a dervish,
like a woman who has escaped the cage.
When I dance,
that my Life is my own,
choreographed by none other
than God Herself.
The Dance Floor
is my Sanctuary,
where I dance my Self into Being.
Sooooo much Love
from my Core.
Thank You, God.
Thank You, Goddess.
Thank You, Life.
As The Dance
Time to boogie!!!
Amy Adams is a poet/writer who wishes to serve Humanity and the Cosmos by authentically expressing what it has come to mean to her to be Divinely Human. Her initial inspiration came from what she calls a “tried and true ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ experience“. Insights, poems and writings continue to pour through her to this day, and she will write as long as writing is what’s in front of her. In addition to writing, she enjoys dancing, singing, walking, reading, nature, conversations, playing…
Joy has become her guide, and it is her intention to allow Joy to Be contagious, sharing It with everyone she meets through her unique gifts and, ultimately, her Life lived.
“Humaira” is a name that was gifted to her at the time the writings began. Amy has come to know Humaira as a very clear and wise aspect of her Being, one who is not censored, but who lives naturally, simply and from a place of Aliveness. When Amy aligns with the “Humaira energy”, a co-creative synergy seems to occur, and it is magical beyond even the words.
Look for my first book, coming in August 2012:
“Book of Love: Poems to Light Your Way Home”
Follow Me @:
My Blog (The Dancing Pen)
***Amy is available for poetry readings, phone sessions and/or playshops/workshops ,
all related to Coming Home to Who We Are and Shining our Light to the world and beyond!