How to Become a Conscious Parent

By Michelle Starkey

 

First, RELAX and go with the flow. Easier, said than done? If you are anything like I was when I started my parenting journey, this is quite a challenge. I was anything but relaxed. I wanted to be the best parent ever and create a perfect little human being who would later grow into a perfect adult. Naturally, I would be able take credit for all this and receive kudos and pats on the back from everyone around.

Boy, was I wrong! Once my child exited babyhood and exerted her free will, expressed her wants and desires and voiced her opinion, I understood that she had her own agenda and was here to walk her own path. I was merely a vehicle through which she would get started! Once I understood that she was not a “mini-me”, I truly was able to relax and do what was right for her growth. And, to my surprise, I grew form the experience as well.

Next, REALIZE you are in a mutually satisfying, symbiotic relationship with your child. Your are in one another’s lives for very good reasons. Together, you may learn, grow, play, laugh, cry, explore and so much more. You may be able to re-live your childhood or create a new one if yours wasn’t so hot. I didn’t know I could learn from a child. I thought it was the other way around. A dose of humility is helpful when doing this since traditionally adults teach children. When I let so of preconceived ideas and trusted in the process, the lessons I learned were amazing.

We all know that kids are some of the best button-pushers around, right? Why is that? I’d say that part of the reason is that they are so honest sometimes that it hurts and they truly have no attachment to the outcome or effect of their words. For example, my daughter and I were looking at some old photos and she admired one of me that was taken about fifteen years ago. She commented, “Wow, Mom you look exactly the same now as you did then!” Beaming and about to thank her for her very keen observation, she intercepted and added, “…except for all those wrinkles!” Yes, brutally honest but certainly keeping the old ego in check.
A clear and open-minded definition of conscious parenting by Mimi Doe:

Then, ENJOY the present moment. How many times do we live in the past or the future? As a parent, I recall thinking how nice it would be when my baby was a bit older: When she slept though the night, I could sleep as well. When she ate solid food I wouldn’t have to nurse her so much. When she walked on her own, I wouldn’t have to carry her as often. You see where this is going. It ends up being the elusive carrot, just like ‘one day I’ll be happy.’

Well one day is now. When we learn to appreciate what is happening right now, even though it may not be that pleasant, we are really living. The baby awakens every two hours? The toddler wets the bed? The preschooler started saying bad words? The pre-teen dyed her hair pink? The teenager hates you? So what? Chances are none of these trivial complaints will matter one day. You may vaguely remember some of them, or forget it all together. Hard to believe when you are the sleep-deprived parent of a potty-mouthed rebel, but it’s true.

Finally, TRUST yourself to know that you are doing the right thing and are on the right track. Ultimately, you know what is best for your family. You know what feels right and what doesn’t, what plans will succeed and which will fail. If you’re not sure, give yourself permission to experiment. There are no real mistakes, only opportunities to learn, grow and change. Be grateful you have the insight and wisdom to know this and remember: This too, shall pass.

Michelle Starkey is an author, artist and humanitarian. Her first book, a book of affirmations for children entitled, Do You Know Who You Are? was released on October 18, 2007. A beautiful combination of inspirational sayings and animal paintings, it’s sure to delight children of all ages, including the child within.

Her second book, a parenting book entitled, Do You Know Who Your Children Are? was released in April 2008. It is a timely inspection of the problems parents are facing today with their children’s behavior and the tips for resolving the issues, including parents working on their own behavior. This self-discovery guide will help parents realize the many gifts children bring into their lives.

Her goal is to assist in human development, helping others achieve their greatest potential. One way she accomplishes this is by helping people get in touch with their inner selves and remember who they are!

http://www.michellestarkey.com

Enjoy Bruce Lipton’s view on conscious parenting:

Purposeful Parenting

By Kathleen Sims

 

The first moment we look into our new baby’s eyes – the innocence and beauty – our heart opens and embraces the miracle of creation. Having a child – a brave and courageous act, indeed.

At some point, reality strikes, that we are the steward, nurturer, protector, teacher, provider and mentor of another human being on this earth. We begin to see the potential impact we can and do have on another precious human being.

In working with parents, I see 3 things – an unconscious aligned purpose for parenting, and a disagreement about the method to accomplish this unconscious purpose. I see in addition, power struggles parents have with each other and their children, because they have 2 different, often opposing, belief systems about parenting. We derive them from our own history – either modeling our own parents – or doing the opposite of what they had done.

You might ask, “There are other ways to do this?” The first thing I want to point out is, “We are each doing the best we can, given our awareness, and what know at the time. I have observed that when we know more, we have new options and make better choices”.

Conscious Parenting Plan: A New Model

As parents – on the same team, sit down together in an uninterrupted environment. This is a process, and will take several planning meetings. Each parent needs to bring to the table an open mind, some clarity about what is important to them, and fair negotiating skill..

Step 1. Create agreements for this conversation, so both of you feel safe to fully participate. (ie. No interrupting, brainstorm without judgements, etc.)

Step 2. Together create a Purpose for Parenting Statement.
(ie. To raise loving, and responsible children that make a contribution on the planet, etc.)

Step 3. List Ethics, Values and Virtues you embody and want to instill in your children.

Step 4. Co-Create a Vision of what that would look like, in the Highest and Best way. What are all the hopes and dreams you have for your children? Describe in this Vision, what activities are going on, and how is everyone behaving and feeling.

Step 5. Co-create a basic list of ‘Daily Operating Instructions’ (structure/rules), for you as parents, and a separate one for the children. (ie. Everyone is respectful (virtues/characters). Don’t go into the street, etc. (behaviors/rules). Discuss when and what consequences are appropriate. These are most effective when created and known ahead of time by everyone involved, and they don’t have to be punitive. (When my children were 5 and above, I let them co-create the consequences with us. They were usually harder on themselves, and we would have to suggest something lighter that we felt matched the circumstances. We all learned so much from this process.) It is essential that these are openly discussed, negotiated and agreed upon. Known boundaries and being consistent from both parents, creates safety, predictability and is very effective.

Step 6. Discuss the possibility that everything that happens can be an opportunity for natural learning for children – ie. Ask your child when they make a mistake, “What could you do next time?”, and assume they can discover answers within themselves when asked supportive questions. If they need a time out – tell them by the time it is over, they are to explain to you what didn’t work about their behavior, and tell you what they will correct. This teaches them how to think in a self-corrective way, and can serve them throughout their life. It is very powerful, along with supporting their Self Esteem.

A great example of ‘natural learning’ was when my grandson brought home his report card – I would have him show me and explain, and how he felt about each grade. I encouraged him to acknowledge himself, and asked if he felt proud of himself. If any grades were low, I would just ask (with a neutral demeanor), what he needed to do to correct it next quarter, and is there any way I can support him?

It is essential for Self Esteem building to support your child in getting in touch with his own feelings about things, before you step in with correction, praise or reward. This way he develops his own sense of pride, rather than looking outside him/herself for approval.

Another powerful tool parents can use that is easy and has high impact, is change their language from bad/good, and right/wrong, to, ‘What works’, and ‘What doesn’t', and ‘What is appropriate’, and ‘What isn’t’. This is a very powerful shift from the child is bad, to the behavior didn’t work!! Then ask them if they can discover what would work?

Step 7. Co-create ways to acknowledge your children and each other!! One of the things I used to tell my grandson everyday as he went off to school was, “I love you, stay safe, and have fun learning”. Now he is 21 and says it to me when I leave.

Most of all:

Remember your Purpose, Be Patient, Love and Laugh a lot!!

You can have a happy, healthy family life, filled with learning and love.

Kathleen E. Sims’ Purpose is to teach what she has had the privilege to learn about deep, abiding love, and a Soul filled Life. This included being with her Lifetime Mate for 4 decades and raising 2 sets of children.

She has Mastered teaching the relevancy and power of applying the Highest Spiritual Principles and Universal Laws to everyday living.

She’s had the honor of teaching International Teleseminars on Creating Your Heart’s Desires, utilizing Universal Principles. A graduate of the University of Science and Philosophy, she is asked to speak regularly at singles and parenting organizations, and has hosted ‘The New You’ radio show in San Francisco. She is the author of the eBook and Program, “Stop Dating, Start Mating: How to Find a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime in 6 Months or Less”, and the FREE Workbook, “6 Keys to Attracting Your Ideal Mate”. Take the ‘FREE Couples Relationship Evaluation’. These can all be found on her website: http://www.lifetimeloveconnection.com

Look for the soon to be released book she co-authored with Wayne Dyer, Brian Tracey and others, “Wake Up – Live the Life You Love”.

Kathleen E. Sims 925 674-9003

Call for Couples Counseling and Parenting Coaching.

It will change your life and the quality of experiences in your children’s lives.

For more detailed information:

http://www.consciousdating.org/coach/kathleensims.htm

 

What helpful parenting tips have you gathered along the journey?  Please share them in the comments so we can all help each other.